Tip #1: Carry your auto-injector (please do this anyway)
Make sure you carry your auto-injector with you all the time. Certainly, you should be doing this anyway whether or not you’re on a date. Make sure you have them on your person: they should be within your arms length whether you carry them on your person or in a bag. A purse could suffice as long as you don’t leave your purse lying around anywhere. Your auto-injector is the single most important thing you need to have just in case something happens (we’ll hope nothing does).
Tip #2: Tell Your Date… Really.
You can’t assure your safety without telling your date about your food allergies. It doesn’t have to be awkward explaining it to them! It could go something like this:
“Hey, so I didn’t know if you knew, but I’m actually really allergic to [x]. I could get really sick – even die – if I eat any of food that has it.” You don’t have to explain that kissing could create a problem (yet) unless they ask. Make sure you clearly list out your allergens and make sure your date knows that you could get really sick and/or die if you make contact with those food allergies like kissing someone. When you make the problem sound serious, your date will take it seriously.
If you’re on a dinner date, then tell them about this on the drive over to the restaurant. Lock the doors so they can’t escape! Just kidding. But really, tell them about your food allergies. If you can choose a place for dinner, make sure you choose a place with lots of safe options for both of you (i.e. Red Lobster may not be the best choice if you have a seafood allergy). If you’re meeting at the restaurant, make sure to tell your date before he or she orders.
Tip #3: Kindly make your date order a safe dish.
Usually, it works really well to immediately follow the “I’m allergic to [x]” with “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t order anything I am allergic to.” If you’re on a date with someone, hopefully they’ll be super accommodating to your food allergies. If they’re not, you probably shouldn’t date them. Keep an eye and ear open to make sure the food they order is safe.
Tip #4: When explaining food allergies and cross contact issues to the server, make sure to say “we” and not “me.”
As is good practice, you should tell the waiter or waitress about your food allergies when you order food at a restaurant. However, make sure you say “We can’t have any of these foods so if you could mark it on both of our orders.” Whether or not your date actually has food allergies is irrelevant. Making sure the food they order is prepared safely as well mitigates problems that could occur later in the night (like a kiss). If your date asks, explain it like this: “I just wanted to make sure that all of the food on this table was going to be safe.” You don’t have to explain your desire to kiss them to get it past them. They’ll be understanding anyway.
Tip #5: Tell Your Date (Yes, Really, Again).
Have you not told them? Sheesh. You need to tell your date! You must tell them. They can’t keep you safe – heck, you can’t keep you safe – if you don’t tell them about your food allergies! They could have had a plan to take you to Texas Roadhouse but they wouldn’t know that was a bad idea if you didn’t tell them about your peanut allergy (for example).
Tip #6: Making the move: don’t make it too awkward
So it’s time for the kiss. Maybe it’s the end of the first date. Maybe it’s the end of the second. Whenever this time comes, you don’t need to make it awkward. The reason I prefer dinner dates is because I can assure that the hours before a kiss is possible contain safe food. That mitigates problems from the kiss. Hopefully (although this is not guaranteed), they are also hygienic and they brushed their teeth before they went on the date with you. You can’t assure this happens but dinner dates lengthen the time between consuming unsafe food and the ensuing teeth brushing with a potential kiss.
However, if you’re simply seeing them at night after sports practice (for example), you should ask them what they had that day. You wouldn’t want to be kissing them if they just ate a PB&J sandwich with their team for dinner and you’re allergic to peanuts. That’s not a good combination. You need to set that boundary and say, before you kiss them: “Did you eat anything that I’m allergic to today?” It can help if you list off those allergens if they’re unsure. If they just wave it off and say “no, no, I didn’t,” pressure them! Make them confirm. You don’t need to make them list off every item from every meal of the day (unless if you want to), but you do need to make sure they haven’t eaten anything unsafe in the past few hours. I know that this doesn’t keep the “moment” intact, but your life and safety is far more important than kissing someone (even if they are superbly attractive).
If you don’t feel comfortable kissing someone after a dinner date (even if they ate safe food) because you don’t know what they ate earlier in the day, it is completely okay to ask them what they ate throughout the day. It doesn’t have to be an extensive list, but frame it as if you’re concerned and you really want to kiss them but you just want to be safe. Or, you can simply postpone the kiss for another night (even if that isn’t the best solution, it is the one that keeps you safe).
Tip #7: Over for dinner? Come early or be the chef!
Your date has invited you over for dinner – oh no! Even if you’ve told them about your food allergies, you can’t guarantee that they’ll be as good as you reading labels and preparing safe food. You can either come early and read all the labels (explaining to your date that you just want to make sure all the food is safe). Even if your date assures you that all the food is safe, read the labels anyway. Make some excuse about being weird and paranoid and that you just want to make sure the food is safe, even though you trust that they have read it. Also, if you want to be extra safe, make sure they clean pots and pans before they start making dinner. You never know what has been cooked in those pans previously. Personal note: I’ve cooked a balsamic sauce in a pot before and even after three thorough cleanings, I still get a hint of balsamic in anything I cook in that pan. Needless to say, some food can stick around in the pans (especially if they’re poor quality pans like mine are).
Your other option is to be the chef! If your date invites you over for dinner and you don’t/can’t come early, insist on cooking. That way, you can bring all the safe ingredients and tools to make safe food. You can even invite them over to your place for dinner.
Tip #8: Meeting the parents: Go to a safe restaurant or be the chef!
Your boyfriend/girlfriend is now wanting you to meet their parents. That’s intimidating anyway – there’s no need to make it more complicated, confusing, or stressful with your food allergies. Your date’s parents may not fully understand your food allergies, even if it’s been explained it to them multiple times. That means there is a possibility for mistakes – and that’s something you want to avoid.
You can first invite them to a safe restaurant. If there are safe options available, kindly ask your date to order one of those and again use the “we can’t eat any of my allergens” statement from Tip #3. If you wish, you can also ask your date’s parents to order food that couldn’t cause issues. For example, I do ask for them not to eat shrimp pasta since we’re in such close proximity. I’m not going to be partaking in it, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. I’ve never had a negative reaction to this request since they can forgo one night without their shrimp pasta.
You can also be the chef! Offer to bring your food and pans to their house to cook a family meal. You can also invite them over to your house and cook them a meal. That may be a nice meet-and-greet opportunity as well between your parents and theirs.
Tip #9: Know safe “staple” foods and brands for easy shopping and food.
Eventually, you may find yourself in constant company with your boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s important to know go-to brands of food and restaurants. If they become hungry, you can simply say “how about [x restaurant]?” That way, you always have a safe option in the back of your head. This works great especially when you are with friends of your boyfriend or girlfriend; they can all enjoy good food and you can have safe options.
For long-term relationships, knowing safe brands of food means you can answer their parents’ requests about what food you would like. If you find yourself at a grocery store needing food, you automatically know which brands are safe and which aren’t.
Tip #10: Please train them.
Unfortunately, most people don’t know anything about food allergies or how to administer an epinephrine autoinjector. Train them! If you don’t train them about signs of an allergic reaction or how to administer your auto-injector, they cannot help you in times of emergencies. It doesn’t take long and it’s a very important part of keeping safe.
Bonus Tip #1: Long-term relationship tip: give them a toothbrush and toothpaste to store in their car
This may seem like a weird one, but it’s important. Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend accidentally ate a KIND bar during a break at work and they’re seeing you later that night. You want to mitigate any possibility of having issues from kissing them later that night, so give them a toothbrush and toothpaste to store in the car.
Obviously, it’s preferred if they don’t eat any of your allergens. That sacrifice may be difficult for some and it’s up to you whether that’s a deal-breaker in the relationship. You must determine the boundaries you are willing to live with. Personally, I would prefer them not to eat anything I’m allergic to (and I voice it clearly) but I’m not super strict about it. I understand that they will be eating nuts every once in a while, but I make sure they are fully aware of the consequences. If you’ve been dating a while, it may be time to have a conversation about whether they’d be willing to give up eating a food you’re allergic to – but that’s all up to you.
Bonus Tip #2: Avoid Alcohol
Let’s ignore the fact that underage drinking is illegal. There are two parts to this.
First, alcohol allows you to do stupid things. It hinders your ability to think straight and you could end up accidentally eating something while you’re drunk that you’re not supposed to because you forgot to read the label. Usually when you’re drunk (in high school and college), you’re surrounded by other drunk people. Those drunk people will most likely be unable to help you if you eat something you’re allergic to because either a) they can’t think straight like you, or more likely b) they don’t know how to administer an autoinjector in the first place.
Second, a lot of alcohol contains food allergens and they’re not required to label it. This quite literally means your first drink could be your last. You could be your diligent ol’ self and promise to only have a sip of something even after reading the labels on the alcohol, but you don’t actually know what it is in it because they aren’t required to put it on the label. For example, Bombay Sapphire contains tree nuts and it appears nowhere on the label.
I know alcohol seems enticing and helps you “fit in” with friends. Most people respect your decision if you say “no” to their offer of a drink; however, if they continue to pressure you into drinking even after you’ve said no, then it is time for you to leave the party and maybe even find a different friend. In this instance, your life is on the line and you need to choose responsibly instead of “fitting in.”
Bonus Tip #3: Enjoy your dating life!
Life is too short to take it too serious. You should always try and keep yourself as safe as possible and I hope the above tips help out with that. Remember: you’re on a date! You’re supposed to have fun with this guy or girl who you like and who you think is really attractive. Don’t let food allergies ever stop you from dating. Be yourself and have fun! It’s a date.
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